There are two of us living in my world, me and Tina. It’s taken eight long years but I finally have her down to occasional appearances in my life lasting from one to six months at the outside.
When she’s not here I ENJOY my sober life.
I have seen both sides of the equation…gutter level junkie and stone cold sober. I’m sober more than not but my journey has been NOTHING like my experience with alcohol. You see I had my first drink at age 19 and bottomed out completely into Alcoholics Annonyous at age 23. And there I stayed for the next 20 years.
I LOVED being sober. My husband and I were the Gay AA Power Couple. My greatest joy was sponsoring a newcomer through their first year. To see the awakening in their eyes when they realize, for the first time, that they really DID have a CHOICE whether to drink or not.
Then at my 20 year mark life got well, complicated.
I lost my husband to mental Illness; he literally faded away as I helplessly watched on. Ten days later I lost the greatest love of my life (My Great Aunt who used to take me out of the insanity of an alcoholic home growing up and sweep me off to safety). I buried four pets in quick succession, cared for a ill mother and oh did I meantion I had a high level job at a Fortune 100 company that required 70 hour weeks ??
I kept all the balls in the air for two years and never blinked. I took care of everyone. Well, everyone except me.
Let that be the FIRST lesson you take away today!!
So one night boy finds wrong boy on the Internet and gets a 30 second intro to meth (I was clueless ..it was like Bart Simpson does drugs) and a needle in my arm. Six months later my life imploded and I was in treatment for the first time for meth.
That was eight treatment centers and 8 years ago.
When I did finally quit 2 years ago it was effortless. Who knew? I didn’t go to treatment and I didn’t attend meetings, at first. I just stopped. Tina, who I think is the MOST predictable drug in how she renders the final outcome in ones life, had Tina beaten me into submission. Stopping turned out to b th easiest thing I ever did.
I spent the next 18 months building a remarkable life that I treasue. But there’s something fixed in me that hasn’t yet let me cross the 18 month mark, several times. I now manage to keep my life in tact and in balance but it comes at a great cost. I’m the Clark Kent of the Meth World, so to speak. By day upstanding responsible and mature man; by night a crazed prom addict. Did you know it can actually take 36 hours to find THE right porn clip ? 😯
So that’s my story. I’m not giving up hope, EVER. And please don’t you either. I’ve never stopped hoping. It’s the ONE thing that’s saving my life.
So I write about Tina and my journey including the good times and the struggles. I chronicle my own struggles so that, hopefully, one other person will read my words and turn back from their own jumping off point. That will have made it all worth while.
I am both the example of what TO do and what NOT to do. Oddly, both seem to have been equally effective in the lives of people I’ve come across.
Writing is my way of processing, thinking, sorting and understanding myself and the world about me.
So if you’ve actually read this far it’s my sincere hope that you’ll stick around. Maybe, just maybe, my struggles won’t have to be yours. And with your support maybe they won’t be mine for much longer. Tina is not how my story will end. That much I know …I’m just not sure when the ending gets written.
I sincerely hope you find something meaningful out here and perhaps sometimes even entertaining. It’s your stories I look to for my answers. You are my guideposts and my light leading the way.
In All Things, Peace