Plan A, MY Plan, cold turkey, didn’t work

Shit

Going into Day Four I was in a free fall and a complete sketched out mess

Something had to give

Too much, too soon, too fast

Plan B, NEW Plan, ease myself off

I’m not thrilled with it but perhaps it’s more realistic for MY body

I’m at half my regular intake

If I’ve calculated correctly I’ll be off in a week, gently

I’m still pissed MY way didn’t work

A friend suggested Plan A was not in my best interest

But did I listen ????

Oh well, no

But his Plan B didn’t quite fit either

After 24 hours of soul searching and writing I came up with a compromise; one I think we can both live with

I hope any way

The goals still the same…Stop and Take a Break ..absolutely NOTHING has changed there

Only how I’m getting there

So…..

Hang with me and keep chatting / emailing and posting

You’re keeping my eye on the prize !

THANK YOU for that !

i won’T miss…

 

1. Searching for a viable vein for hours
2. My veins hurting
3. Having to wear long sleeve shirts in the summer
4. Not being able to breathe in fresh air
5. Having to take intensive Tweaker Baths every day to restore my skin
6. Skin so dry even the Mojave Desert looks moist
7. A substance taking up every waking moment of the day
8. Lack of sleep / exhaustion
9. Meth Mouth / Dry Mouth
10. Being locked away in my apartment for days / months on end
11. My dog not getting adequate attention (the single hardest thing for me to face)
12. The feeling of being stuck repeatedly
13. A stiff body
14. Searching for 12 hours straight for the perfect porn clip
15. Having my days and my nights reversed
16. Not feeling normal unless I’ve just banged
17. People that don’t party responsibly and with integrity
18. Connections constantly dropping by my house
19. All the lies to cover up my using
20. Draining my back account to put shit up my arm

when iT goT quieT

Tweaker True Word

It’s sad when you realize the group of friends that you thought were so supportive and amazing aren’t really that at all. They talk about always being there for you but when it comes time you’re all alone and when they ask how you’re doing and you don’t know if you should tell them to fuck off or if you should tell them how you cry on your bedroom floor each night because your so fucking broken and can’t keep a needle out of your arm so you just half smile and say “I’m ok”

 

The day I stopped carrying a baggy in one hand and a $50 bill in the other is the day my world went silent

It was the longest I’ve ever been

And the silence was deafening !

Tweakers are NOT your friends! 

I don’t wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest

Or the girl who never wants to be alone

I don’t wanna be there calling 4 o’clock in the morning

Cause I’m the only one you know in the world that won’t be home

Ah, the sun is blinding

I stayed up again

Oh, I am finding

That that’s not the way I want my story to end

I’m safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party’s over?

No pain

Inside

You’re my protection

But how do I feel this good sober?

I don’t wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence

The quiet scares me ‘cause it screams the truth

Please don’t tell me that we had that conversation

Cause I won’t remember, save your breath, ’cause what’s the use?

Ah, the night is calling?

And it whispers to me softly come and play

But I, I am falling

And If I let myself go I’m the only one to blame

I’m safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party’s over?

No pain

Inside

You’re like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

Coming down, coming down, coming down

Spinning ’round, spinning ’round, spinning ’round

I’m looking for myself, sober

Coming down, coming down, coming down

Spinning ’round, spinning ’round, spinning ’round

Looking for myself, sober

When it’s good, then it’s good, it’s so good ’till it goes bad

‘Till you’re trying to find the you that you once had

I have heard myself cry, never again

Broken down in agony just tryin’ to find a friend

Oh,

Oh,

I’m safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party’s over?

No pain

Inside

You’re like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

I’m safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party’s over?

No pain

Inside

You’re like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

you know you are an addicT when…

You say to yourself “Just one more good high (or fuck) before I stop”

Only it’s been months, maybe years and you are still saying “Just one more”

Know when to STOP

we have our momenTs…

You know, the moments when your gut tells you this has all been going on too long, or it is starting to NOT look pretty, and that a break is badly needed, and how long that break lasts, well that is yet to be determined.

It’s simple…

I didn’t like what I saw again.

I was too amped, too shaky, I lied to cover my tracks, I focused on the phone/computer and not my guest for the night (always searching for the next one), I forgot to eat and also hydrate (a sure death sentence for my comedown), and I did too much, period, end of statement.

And then it happens.

I see myself in the mirror…sweaty, shaky, wide eyed, over amped, pale and splotchy, and unable to stop the moaning sounds that are emitting from my body. I no longer recognize who I see in my own reflection.

You get the picture.

Well, I’ve always said one absolute thing about my life with Tina:

If the DRUGS or the BOYS ever fundamentally change me, I’ll change the DRUGS or the BOYS, or BOTH!

Looks like I’m changing BOTH!

everyone has a freak show To share…

“freak shows”. playdate gone south. trick was no treat. hook up from hell.

it seems (purely my observation/opinion) that a hook-up tanking in epic proportion is in some way a rite of passage into the world of party and play.  in fact, i remember feeling more like i belonged when gathered with my party pals and the sharing of “freak shows” commenced, when I was finally able to chime in with my own first mis-adventures . i learned early on if you’re gonna dance with Tina you’d better get steel toed shoes.

my mis-adventures over the years is a broad range of experiences. I’ve had: baggie chasers (#1 most common offense), to faux tops (#2 most common offense), last minute boyfriends, housing challenged, income challenged (see i can be politically correct). a 5-suitcase=collection-of-toys, being stranded when my bff 86’d me in a motel in a moment of panic (we’d ridden together), a paranoia attack so intense i had to call 911, curtain peeking, chatty-cathy’s, computer compulsives (guilty as charged), 2 OD’s and still my favorite… the guy that picked me up SIX hours late and was astounded that i wasn’t ready when he got there.

in the beginning i was relentless, judgmental and a harsh critic of my flawed comrades. i’d go on for days about responsibility and “keeping your shit together”. now i try to be a littl more tempered in my judgements and i have my own “momenTs” to thank for that.

i have had a melt down or two. you can’t stay in this game as long as i have and not have one. universal law. and on those occasions, i am afraid it was i, that was someones’  else’s “freak show”.

to minimize the frequency and impact of “freak shows” i have a series of screening questions, some i ask directly and others are hidden amidst the chase. even then, it’s no guarantee. recently i hooked up with what i thought was the daily double. he passed all the questions with flying colors. my only red flag…was he was a little too eager and sounded a little too good to be true:

vers/top, stocked with product, has his own place, has transportation, common sexual interests, just starting to party and can play now.

the flaw in MY process? some people flat lie.

stocked with product turned out to be “…very little left” and did i “bring some”

then he told me about the boyfriend at work and that we were on “….his time…” meaning said jealous, suspicious boyfriend could show up for a fidelity check any freaking moment

and my “daily double” decides to spring this on me exactly 5 minutes after we bang one as he enters a full blow paranoia outbreak and worse yet, guess who’s not a top or versatile anything for that matter?

my dick went soft when he started flying about the room (yes, flapping of wings) and pulling  his hair whil screaming  “Fuck Me, Fuck Me, Fuck Me Now or I’ll Die”!

and in that exact moment an unannounced  #2 and #3 arrive: one a bewlidded straight husband on the lam and his cohort a 6’ 7” 270 pound bdsm top (with a portable sling) who eyed said straight husband like lunch.

as the screeching and the begging got worse we all decided best to sit and wait for the boyfriend and perhaps let him deal the daily double.

when the boys gathered for storytelling the next week i knew i had the BEST freak show story in the bag. i mean seriously when does flying, freaking, paranoid, lying, drug seeking, supposed top WITH a jealous partner who could arrive any second PLUS Bever Clever’s and Rambo beat an “i forgot to tell u i’m amputee and I like to fuck with my prosthetic off” story.

Please, Myrna.

you KNOW they had to buy me dinner.

happy trails

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: