Plan A, MY Plan, cold turkey, didn’t work


Going into Day Four I was in a free fall and a complete sketched out mess

Something had to give

Too much, too soon, too fast

Plan B, NEW Plan, ease myself off

I’m not thrilled with it but perhaps it’s more realistic for MY body

I’m at half my regular intake

If I’ve calculated correctly I’ll be off in a week, gently

I’m still pissed MY way didn’t work

A friend suggested Plan A was not in my best interest

But did I listen ????

Oh well, no

But his Plan B didn’t quite fit either

After 24 hours of soul searching and writing I came up with a compromise; one I think we can both live with

I hope any way

The goals still the same…Stop and Take a Break ..absolutely NOTHING has changed there

Only how I’m getting there


Hang with me and keep chatting / emailing and posting

You’re keeping my eye on the prize !

THANK YOU for that !

i won’T miss…


1. Searching for a viable vein for hours
2. My veins hurting
3. Having to wear long sleeve shirts in the summer
4. Not being able to breathe in fresh air
5. Having to take intensive Tweaker Baths every day to restore my skin
6. Skin so dry even the Mojave Desert looks moist
7. A substance taking up every waking moment of the day
8. Lack of sleep / exhaustion
9. Meth Mouth / Dry Mouth
10. Being locked away in my apartment for days / months on end
11. My dog not getting adequate attention (the single hardest thing for me to face)
12. The feeling of being stuck repeatedly
13. A stiff body
14. Searching for 12 hours straight for the perfect porn clip
15. Having my days and my nights reversed
16. Not feeling normal unless I’ve just banged
17. People that don’t party responsibly and with integrity
18. Connections constantly dropping by my house
19. All the lies to cover up my using
20. Draining my back account to put shit up my arm

when iT goT quieT

Tweaker True Word

It’s sad when you realize the group of friends that you thought were so supportive and amazing aren’t really that at all. They talk about always being there for you but when it comes time you’re all alone and when they ask how you’re doing and you don’t know if you should tell them to fuck off or if you should tell them how you cry on your bedroom floor each night because your so fucking broken and can’t keep a needle out of your arm so you just half smile and say “I’m ok”


The day I stopped carrying a baggy in one hand and a $50 bill in the other is the day my world went silent

It was the longest I’ve ever been

And the silence was deafening !

Tweakers are NOT your friends! 

I don’t wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest

Or the girl who never wants to be alone

I don’t wanna be there calling 4 o’clock in the morning

Cause I’m the only one you know in the world that won’t be home

Ah, the sun is blinding

I stayed up again

Oh, I am finding

That that’s not the way I want my story to end

I’m safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party’s over?

No pain


You’re my protection

But how do I feel this good sober?

I don’t wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence

The quiet scares me ‘cause it screams the truth

Please don’t tell me that we had that conversation

Cause I won’t remember, save your breath, ’cause what’s the use?

Ah, the night is calling?

And it whispers to me softly come and play

But I, I am falling

And If I let myself go I’m the only one to blame

I’m safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party’s over?

No pain


You’re like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

Coming down, coming down, coming down

Spinning ’round, spinning ’round, spinning ’round

I’m looking for myself, sober

Coming down, coming down, coming down

Spinning ’round, spinning ’round, spinning ’round

Looking for myself, sober

When it’s good, then it’s good, it’s so good ’till it goes bad

‘Till you’re trying to find the you that you once had

I have heard myself cry, never again

Broken down in agony just tryin’ to find a friend



I’m safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party’s over?

No pain


You’re like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

I’m safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party’s over?

No pain


You’re like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

Remember in school, the first day back, when you had to stand up beside your desk and recite what you did for your summer vacation?

Aren’t you glad that as adults we don’t have to do that any more ?

You see this year I’d have to stand up and announce “I Survived”

To be more precise I’d have to say “I Survived Tina”

To be absolutely and completely truthful I’d have to say “I Survived Tina, AGAIN!”

So you know I took two years off from the whole Tina scene. Then I got this bright idea that I’d take a “Tina Vacation” for a weekend. Right! That weekend turned into six weeks. That weekend turned into my summer.

In the process I had a couple of really spectacular highs.

The rest of the story is simply about survival. I survived:

Being tied up by some Freak I met on a dick hook up site, being nearly overdosed and being filmed and broadcast to who and God knows where. Everyone who parties within a 50 mile radius now has his picture and knows what a Predator he is. I don’t expect he’ll be bothering anyone anytime too soon.

A Tweaker who came to play and “re-located” 3,145 feet from my home three and a half weeks ago and hasn’t left since. I assume he found true love in Tweakerville and is living happily ever after.

A Stalker …also met on said dick hook up sites. I’ve since nuked all my hook up sites and apps and the police have him under surveillance.

Two skin infections, two trips to the ER and the near loss of my ring finger.

The theft of a exquisite diamond pendant necklace. The police (yes ai had to call them twice) found it in a local Pawn Shop and a Tweaker is going to jail. Justice really is sweet because for once a Tweaker is not going to get away with it.

Being befriended briefly again by someone I used to sit in the rooms with who left my apartment with $600 cash that didn’t belong to him. Someday we’ll sit beside each other again on two cold metal chairs and perhaps he’ll do the right thing and amend his behavior.

My reputation in tact. You see I’m REALLY good at hiding this shit. Yes people noticed lapses in my communication but I managed to keep the balls in the air somehow. Don’t ask me how.

That said…..

My pride, my spirit, my skin, my soul, my hair, adequate rest and certainly my veins…they are all worse for the wear but I guess no vacation is perfect, right ?

Was it worth it ? Only retrospect will answer that question. I never know in the exact moment.

But I can say this. I LEARNED things. I learned what TO do and what NOT to do in SPADES.

I REMEMBERED. I remembered how I used to be smarter and how I used to keep myself safe and you can bet on some upcoming blogs so you readers won’t ever have to experience some of what I went through these past six weeks.

And I DISCOVERED. I discovered many folks along the way that understand this is not an All or Nothing proposition. That there are no easy answers. That there are gonna be good times and there are gonna be bad times. That I’m gonna do well and that I’m gonna make mistakes. That I’m gonna take two steps forward and sometimes three steps back.

For all that I survived, as always, I’m grateful for the lessons. I could do without the scrapes and bruises that seem to come with my life lessons mind you, but I’m grateful none the less.

Peace Out

you know you are an addicT when…

You say to yourself “Just one more good high (or fuck) before I stop”

Only it’s been months, maybe years and you are still saying “Just one more”

Know when to STOP

we have our momenTs…

You know, the moments when your gut tells you this has all been going on too long, or it is starting to NOT look pretty, and that a break is badly needed, and how long that break lasts, well that is yet to be determined.

It’s simple…

I didn’t like what I saw again.

I was too amped, too shaky, I lied to cover my tracks, I focused on the phone/computer and not my guest for the night (always searching for the next one), I forgot to eat and also hydrate (a sure death sentence for my comedown), and I did too much, period, end of statement.

And then it happens.

I see myself in the mirror…sweaty, shaky, wide eyed, over amped, pale and splotchy, and unable to stop the moaning sounds that are emitting from my body. I no longer recognize who I see in my own reflection.

You get the picture.

Well, I’ve always said one absolute thing about my life with Tina:

If the DRUGS or the BOYS ever fundamentally change me, I’ll change the DRUGS or the BOYS, or BOTH!

Looks like I’m changing BOTH!

Blog at

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: