I’m guess you could say I’m having a “Night and Day Experience”

My Daytime and Nighttime worlds could not be more different

You see, 2 years ago I quit meth..just like that.

No withdrawals, no pain, no fuss, no muss.

No treatment (I’d been 7 times before, already), no Meetings (at first), no Medications, nada.

BUT

I’d been going for 6 long years, on and off, and by then I was a daily user. I’d gone thru my bank account, managed to alienate virtually everyone in my life, I couldn’t get high anymore (no matter how much I did), my come downs were awful, the time it took to find a vein was hours longer than a high would ever be and even the spun out tweakers didn’t want to stay with me any more.
So that’s Day !

I stayed clean for almost two years. Double my normal run at sobriety from meth.

I loved my life. It’s was QUIET. It was DRAMA FREE. I was healthy. I reestablished relationships with friends. I bought a home. I adopted a dog. And I turned 50 all at the same time. Wholeness had returned.

Just as I celebrated my 18 month milestone I got an itch for just ONE brief “Tina Vacation”. I had said vacation planned down to the second and would have myself a very small limit and NO more. I was even going to smoke it ! The plan called two and a half days of abandon and I’d be back at the wheel of my life by Monday AM.

You know where this is going, right? Said week turned into a week, and the week turned into a month, and the month into the summer and the summer into the fall and well were about at winters end now, aren’t we?

So that’s Night !

And here I am.

Staring down the barrel of reality.

I never really called it a “relapse”.  I always hated the word. But one can only co-sign their own bullshit for so long before reality comes to sit with you during the long nights. And he’s been here for quite some time. We’ve become well acquainted!

There’s one thing stopping me.

I have a wall I have to go over when I stop. You see, the meth triggered a manic phase for me. I rather enjoy the immensely productive facet of mania. But it’s what comes after I fear the most. 60 Days on the nose. Like clockwork, a tidal wave of bone crushing depression awaits me. The crash far worse than any exhaustion or depletion that comes from using. No med adjustment on earth is going to stave this one off. It’s time to brace for rough waters ahead.

And I’m terrified!

Thankfully I happen to have an Ace that even Tina can’t trump. It’s something as built into my DNA as are my blue eyes. It’s that I refuse to give up. Ever. And under any circumstance. It’s simply not in my make up. If it takes stopping 50 times then I’ll extract myself from her claws 51. This is NOT and acceptable ending to my story.

So brace yourselves.  You’re about to journey into the belly of the beast with me. The crash will be hard and messy and soul bending. But my job now is to bend in the storms high winds but not break.

And I sincerely hope that those of  you that are reading this will share your stories in return. It’s is your victories AND moreover your struggles that will provide the light out of the darkness to guide my way.

So…..there you have it:

Installment 1 of “My Resurrection, Tale 10” 😏

Off to the task of rebuilding I go.

The timing of it all literally JUST hit me as I penned these last words. We’re about to celebrate the greatest of all resurrections. And suddenly, I can’t think of any better time to stop.

And with that…

Peace

Remember in school, the first day back, when you had to stand up beside your desk and recite what you did for your summer vacation?

Aren’t you glad that as adults we don’t have to do that any more ?

You see this year I’d have to stand up and announce “I Survived”

To be more precise I’d have to say “I Survived Tina”

To be absolutely and completely truthful I’d have to say “I Survived Tina, AGAIN!”

So you know I took two years off from the whole Tina scene. Then I got this bright idea that I’d take a “Tina Vacation” for a weekend. Right! That weekend turned into six weeks. That weekend turned into my summer.

In the process I had a couple of really spectacular highs.

The rest of the story is simply about survival. I survived:

Being tied up by some Freak I met on a dick hook up site, being nearly overdosed and being filmed and broadcast to who and God knows where. Everyone who parties within a 50 mile radius now has his picture and knows what a Predator he is. I don’t expect he’ll be bothering anyone anytime too soon.

A Tweaker who came to play and “re-located” 3,145 feet from my home three and a half weeks ago and hasn’t left since. I assume he found true love in Tweakerville and is living happily ever after.

A Stalker …also met on said dick hook up sites. I’ve since nuked all my hook up sites and apps and the police have him under surveillance.

Two skin infections, two trips to the ER and the near loss of my ring finger.

The theft of a exquisite diamond pendant necklace. The police (yes ai had to call them twice) found it in a local Pawn Shop and a Tweaker is going to jail. Justice really is sweet because for once a Tweaker is not going to get away with it.

Being befriended briefly again by someone I used to sit in the rooms with who left my apartment with $600 cash that didn’t belong to him. Someday we’ll sit beside each other again on two cold metal chairs and perhaps he’ll do the right thing and amend his behavior.

My reputation in tact. You see I’m REALLY good at hiding this shit. Yes people noticed lapses in my communication but I managed to keep the balls in the air somehow. Don’t ask me how.

That said…..

My pride, my spirit, my skin, my soul, my hair, adequate rest and certainly my veins…they are all worse for the wear but I guess no vacation is perfect, right ?

Was it worth it ? Only retrospect will answer that question. I never know in the exact moment.

But I can say this. I LEARNED things. I learned what TO do and what NOT to do in SPADES.

I REMEMBERED. I remembered how I used to be smarter and how I used to keep myself safe and you can bet on some upcoming blogs so you readers won’t ever have to experience some of what I went through these past six weeks.

And I DISCOVERED. I discovered many folks along the way that understand this is not an All or Nothing proposition. That there are no easy answers. That there are gonna be good times and there are gonna be bad times. That I’m gonna do well and that I’m gonna make mistakes. That I’m gonna take two steps forward and sometimes three steps back.

For all that I survived, as always, I’m grateful for the lessons. I could do without the scrapes and bruises that seem to come with my life lessons mind you, but I’m grateful none the less.

Peace Out

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