I went out to a cool 52 degrees this morning

On my way thru the mid rise I live in I noticed they have already decorated for fall

I guess I really did meth up my summer

<<<<<>>>>>

i won’T miss…

 

1. Searching for a viable vein for hours
2. My veins hurting
3. Having to wear long sleeve shirts in the summer
4. Not being able to breathe in fresh air
5. Having to take intensive Tweaker Baths every day to restore my skin
6. Skin so dry even the Mojave Desert looks moist
7. A substance taking up every waking moment of the day
8. Lack of sleep / exhaustion
9. Meth Mouth / Dry Mouth
10. Being locked away in my apartment for days / months on end
11. My dog not getting adequate attention (the single hardest thing for me to face)
12. The feeling of being stuck repeatedly
13. A stiff body
14. Searching for 12 hours straight for the perfect porn clip
15. Having my days and my nights reversed
16. Not feeling normal unless I’ve just banged
17. People that don’t party responsibly and with integrity
18. Connections constantly dropping by my house
19. All the lies to cover up my using
20. Draining my back account to put shit up my arm

when iT goT quieT

Tweaker True Word

It’s sad when you realize the group of friends that you thought were so supportive and amazing aren’t really that at all. They talk about always being there for you but when it comes time you’re all alone and when they ask how you’re doing and you don’t know if you should tell them to fuck off or if you should tell them how you cry on your bedroom floor each night because your so fucking broken and can’t keep a needle out of your arm so you just half smile and say “I’m ok”

 

The day I stopped carrying a baggy in one hand and a $50 bill in the other is the day my world went silent

It was the longest I’ve ever been

And the silence was deafening !

Tweakers are NOT your friends! 

I post this from time to time because it’s one of the best resources going for IV Drug Users and because I firmly believe in the principles of Harm Reduction

Nothing like this existed when I first started using

This information would have saved me countless days of heartache and would have also saved my veins

Please share with any friend who uses IV Drugs

It could save a life

Getting Off Right- Safely Injecting Manual – Harm Reduction

Remember in school, the first day back, when you had to stand up beside your desk and recite what you did for your summer vacation?

Aren’t you glad that as adults we don’t have to do that any more ?

You see this year I’d have to stand up and announce “I Survived”

To be more precise I’d have to say “I Survived Tina”

To be absolutely and completely truthful I’d have to say “I Survived Tina, AGAIN!”

So you know I took two years off from the whole Tina scene. Then I got this bright idea that I’d take a “Tina Vacation” for a weekend. Right! That weekend turned into six weeks. That weekend turned into my summer.

In the process I had a couple of really spectacular highs.

The rest of the story is simply about survival. I survived:

Being tied up by some Freak I met on a dick hook up site, being nearly overdosed and being filmed and broadcast to who and God knows where. Everyone who parties within a 50 mile radius now has his picture and knows what a Predator he is. I don’t expect he’ll be bothering anyone anytime too soon.

A Tweaker who came to play and “re-located” 3,145 feet from my home three and a half weeks ago and hasn’t left since. I assume he found true love in Tweakerville and is living happily ever after.

A Stalker …also met on said dick hook up sites. I’ve since nuked all my hook up sites and apps and the police have him under surveillance.

Two skin infections, two trips to the ER and the near loss of my ring finger.

The theft of a exquisite diamond pendant necklace. The police (yes ai had to call them twice) found it in a local Pawn Shop and a Tweaker is going to jail. Justice really is sweet because for once a Tweaker is not going to get away with it.

Being befriended briefly again by someone I used to sit in the rooms with who left my apartment with $600 cash that didn’t belong to him. Someday we’ll sit beside each other again on two cold metal chairs and perhaps he’ll do the right thing and amend his behavior.

My reputation in tact. You see I’m REALLY good at hiding this shit. Yes people noticed lapses in my communication but I managed to keep the balls in the air somehow. Don’t ask me how.

That said…..

My pride, my spirit, my skin, my soul, my hair, adequate rest and certainly my veins…they are all worse for the wear but I guess no vacation is perfect, right ?

Was it worth it ? Only retrospect will answer that question. I never know in the exact moment.

But I can say this. I LEARNED things. I learned what TO do and what NOT to do in SPADES.

I REMEMBERED. I remembered how I used to be smarter and how I used to keep myself safe and you can bet on some upcoming blogs so you readers won’t ever have to experience some of what I went through these past six weeks.

And I DISCOVERED. I discovered many folks along the way that understand this is not an All or Nothing proposition. That there are no easy answers. That there are gonna be good times and there are gonna be bad times. That I’m gonna do well and that I’m gonna make mistakes. That I’m gonna take two steps forward and sometimes three steps back.

For all that I survived, as always, I’m grateful for the lessons. I could do without the scrapes and bruises that seem to come with my life lessons mind you, but I’m grateful none the less.

Peace Out

you know you are an addicT when…

You say to yourself “Just one more good high (or fuck) before I stop”

Only it’s been months, maybe years and you are still saying “Just one more”

Know when to STOP

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