Tweaker True Word
It’s sad when you realize the group of friends that you thought were so supportive and amazing aren’t really that at all. They talk about always being there for you but when it comes time you’re all alone and when they ask how you’re doing and you don’t know if you should tell them to fuck off or if you should tell them how you cry on your bedroom floor each night because your so fucking broken and can’t keep a needle out of your arm so you just half smile and say “I’m ok”
The day I stopped carrying a baggy in one hand and a $50 bill in the other is the day my world went silent
It was the longest I’ve ever been
And the silence was deafening !
Tweakers are NOT your friends!
Fear is 3 AM
A full rig
And not one single vein left in your entire body to put it in
Now THAT’S fear
You know, the moments when your gut tells you this has all been going on too long, or it is starting to NOT look pretty, and that a break is badly needed, and how long that break lasts, well that is yet to be determined.
I didn’t like what I saw again.
I was too amped, too shaky, I lied to cover my tracks, I focused on the phone/computer and not my guest for the night (always searching for the next one), I forgot to eat and also hydrate (a sure death sentence for my comedown), and I did too much, period, end of statement.
And then it happens.
I see myself in the mirror…sweaty, shaky, wide eyed, over amped, pale and splotchy, and unable to stop the moaning sounds that are emitting from my body. I no longer recognize who I see in my own reflection.
You get the picture.
Well, I’ve always said one absolute thing about my life with Tina:
If the DRUGS or the BOYS ever fundamentally change me, I’ll change the DRUGS or the BOYS, or BOTH!
Looks like I’m changing BOTH!
i don’t known how old i was or exactly what year it was when i first saw the 1972 movie lady sings the blues with dianna ross (who incidentally gave the performance of a lifetime) I do know I was well into my mastery of alcoholism because at least 8/10 times i watched the movie i was fully fortified with an arsenal of booze. (crying is always so much easier when you are blotto)
the draw of the movie, for me, was the music. i love the music of billie holiday, sarah vaughn, and diana washington. i used to lay on the floor of my apartment with a stereo speaker at each ear and a liter of whatever singing all about my troubles. little did i know.
now what happened when i saw the movie; THAT is absolutely clear in my mind. the what being that i stopped breathing..literally. not once, but twice, I literally found myself holding my breath during a certain scene.
the first time I held my breath was the scene where a strung out billie holiday (ross) attempts to apply lipstick with a very shaky hand. it’s clear she is trying so hard to keep her shit together and to “look” like she is ok, at any cost. its a moment of pleading with the universe and perhaps a silent bargain “if you will just get me through this…” of course, no matter how hard she tries, everything is askew; her crooked lipstick a ironic twist to drive home the point: ms. holiday has a problem.
and who can forget the scene in the bathroom where a desperate billie, no longer worried about how she looks, struggles to get a needle in her arm so that she can stop shaking, stop the voices that are screaming inside her head , relieve the pain . ms. holiday has more than a problem. ms. holiday is a junkie.
so why? why me? why did i hold my breath? yes the story is tragic and yes ms. ross delivered an outstanding performance. but this was something much deeper. it was instinctual. it was automatic. and it was uncomfortable.
looking back I know what happened to me that day. unknowingly and instinctually it happened. as i watched billie’s world disappear into a sea of drugs, what i saw was a glimpse into my future.
You feel the burn and you push anyway because it’s the best vein you have left and you just freaking need to get high
Your neck vein becomes a viable option
You are the ONLY one left at the party or there IS no party and you keep using ANYWAY.