I’m guess you could say I’m having a “Night and Day Experience”

My Daytime and Nighttime worlds could not be more different

You see, 2 years ago I quit meth..just like that.

No withdrawals, no pain, no fuss, no muss.

No treatment (I’d been 7 times before, already), no Meetings (at first), no Medications, nada.

BUT

I’d been going for 6 long years, on and off, and by then I was a daily user. I’d gone thru my bank account, managed to alienate virtually everyone in my life, I couldn’t get high anymore (no matter how much I did), my come downs were awful, the time it took to find a vein was hours longer than a high would ever be and even the spun out tweakers didn’t want to stay with me any more.
So that’s Day !

I stayed clean for almost two years. Double my normal run at sobriety from meth.

I loved my life. It’s was QUIET. It was DRAMA FREE. I was healthy. I reestablished relationships with friends. I bought a home. I adopted a dog. And I turned 50 all at the same time. Wholeness had returned.

Just as I celebrated my 18 month milestone I got an itch for just ONE brief “Tina Vacation”. I had said vacation planned down to the second and would have myself a very small limit and NO more. I was even going to smoke it ! The plan called two and a half days of abandon and I’d be back at the wheel of my life by Monday AM.

You know where this is going, right? Said week turned into a week, and the week turned into a month, and the month into the summer and the summer into the fall and well were about at winters end now, aren’t we?

So that’s Night !

And here I am.

Staring down the barrel of reality.

I never really called it a “relapse”.  I always hated the word. But one can only co-sign their own bullshit for so long before reality comes to sit with you during the long nights. And he’s been here for quite some time. We’ve become well acquainted!

There’s one thing stopping me.

I have a wall I have to go over when I stop. You see, the meth triggered a manic phase for me. I rather enjoy the immensely productive facet of mania. But it’s what comes after I fear the most. 60 Days on the nose. Like clockwork, a tidal wave of bone crushing depression awaits me. The crash far worse than any exhaustion or depletion that comes from using. No med adjustment on earth is going to stave this one off. It’s time to brace for rough waters ahead.

And I’m terrified!

Thankfully I happen to have an Ace that even Tina can’t trump. It’s something as built into my DNA as are my blue eyes. It’s that I refuse to give up. Ever. And under any circumstance. It’s simply not in my make up. If it takes stopping 50 times then I’ll extract myself from her claws 51. This is NOT and acceptable ending to my story.

So brace yourselves.  You’re about to journey into the belly of the beast with me. The crash will be hard and messy and soul bending. But my job now is to bend in the storms high winds but not break.

And I sincerely hope that those of  you that are reading this will share your stories in return. It’s is your victories AND moreover your struggles that will provide the light out of the darkness to guide my way.

So…..there you have it:

Installment 1 of “My Resurrection, Tale 10” 😏

Off to the task of rebuilding I go.

The timing of it all literally JUST hit me as I penned these last words. We’re about to celebrate the greatest of all resurrections. And suddenly, I can’t think of any better time to stop.

And with that…

Peace

Plan A, MY Plan, cold turkey, didn’t work

Shit

Going into Day Four I was in a free fall and a complete sketched out mess

Something had to give

Too much, too soon, too fast

Plan B, NEW Plan, ease myself off

I’m not thrilled with it but perhaps it’s more realistic for MY body

I’m at half my regular intake

If I’ve calculated correctly I’ll be off in a week, gently

I’m still pissed MY way didn’t work

A friend suggested Plan A was not in my best interest

But did I listen ????

Oh well, no

But his Plan B didn’t quite fit either

After 24 hours of soul searching and writing I came up with a compromise; one I think we can both live with

I hope any way

The goals still the same…Stop and Take a Break ..absolutely NOTHING has changed there

Only how I’m getting there

So…..

Hang with me and keep chatting / emailing and posting

You’re keeping my eye on the prize !

THANK YOU for that !

 

I went out to a cool 52 degrees this morning

On my way thru the mid rise I live in I noticed they have already decorated for fall

I guess I really did meth up my summer

<<<<<>>>>>

i won’T miss…

 

1. Searching for a viable vein for hours
2. My veins hurting
3. Having to wear long sleeve shirts in the summer
4. Not being able to breathe in fresh air
5. Having to take intensive Tweaker Baths every day to restore my skin
6. Skin so dry even the Mojave Desert looks moist
7. A substance taking up every waking moment of the day
8. Lack of sleep / exhaustion
9. Meth Mouth / Dry Mouth
10. Being locked away in my apartment for days / months on end
11. My dog not getting adequate attention (the single hardest thing for me to face)
12. The feeling of being stuck repeatedly
13. A stiff body
14. Searching for 12 hours straight for the perfect porn clip
15. Having my days and my nights reversed
16. Not feeling normal unless I’ve just banged
17. People that don’t party responsibly and with integrity
18. Connections constantly dropping by my house
19. All the lies to cover up my using
20. Draining my back account to put shit up my arm

when iT goT quieT

Tweaker True Word

It’s sad when you realize the group of friends that you thought were so supportive and amazing aren’t really that at all. They talk about always being there for you but when it comes time you’re all alone and when they ask how you’re doing and you don’t know if you should tell them to fuck off or if you should tell them how you cry on your bedroom floor each night because your so fucking broken and can’t keep a needle out of your arm so you just half smile and say “I’m ok”

 

The day I stopped carrying a baggy in one hand and a $50 bill in the other is the day my world went silent

It was the longest I’ve ever been

And the silence was deafening !

Tweakers are NOT your friends! 

whaT’s your Tweak?

I tweak on my phone bad, watching porn,checking fb,doing a puzzle, I don’t put my phone down!! I also get high and I don’t leave my apartment at all for day’s which is very unhealthy.

i TOTALLY get u ! i actually went as far as having my roommate lock my phone in his safe so i couldn’t get to it. lot of good that did. when he tweaked looking out the windows i just used his phone. lol

seriously i got off all the hook up sites. my tweak now is still my phone or pad but i tweak here on tumblr where other folks “”get it”

the not leaving the house concerns me a little. now when i party i don’t go out of the house except to walk the dog. i can walk by a bag of meth and look high so i don’t want people seeing me in that condition. but i’m strict about party one day, rest one day. I never go longer than 36 hours, ever.

how long are we talking? how long has it been since u left your house?

pvt message or chat me if u prefer

I post this from time to time because it’s one of the best resources going for IV Drug Users and because I firmly believe in the principles of Harm Reduction

Nothing like this existed when I first started using

This information would have saved me countless days of heartache and would have also saved my veins

Please share with any friend who uses IV Drugs

It could save a life

Getting Off Right- Safely Injecting Manual – Harm Reduction

I knew I’d hit a bump but not quite so soon

Did well today, kept my shit together, kept busy, got a lot of projects done

And them WHAM my emotional roller coaster took off about 7

7:09 I’m banging this shit again looking for emotional relief

Shit

Ok so I hit a bump

There’s always tomorrow

I did do ONE thing right

I backed the dose way down

And maybe that’s my path off

A little at a time

I don’t necessarily care HOW I get there

As long as I GET there

My body needs the rest

My psyche needs the rest

Not forever, but for a while

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