I’m guess you could say I’m having a “Night and Day Experience”

My Daytime and Nighttime worlds could not be more different

You see, 2 years ago I quit meth..just like that.

No withdrawals, no pain, no fuss, no muss.

No treatment (I’d been 7 times before, already), no Meetings (at first), no Medications, nada.

BUT

I’d been going for 6 long years, on and off, and by then I was a daily user. I’d gone thru my bank account, managed to alienate virtually everyone in my life, I couldn’t get high anymore (no matter how much I did), my come downs were awful, the time it took to find a vein was hours longer than a high would ever be and even the spun out tweakers didn’t want to stay with me any more.
So that’s Day !

I stayed clean for almost two years. Double my normal run at sobriety from meth.

I loved my life. It’s was QUIET. It was DRAMA FREE. I was healthy. I reestablished relationships with friends. I bought a home. I adopted a dog. And I turned 50 all at the same time. Wholeness had returned.

Just as I celebrated my 18 month milestone I got an itch for just ONE brief “Tina Vacation”. I had said vacation planned down to the second and would have myself a very small limit and NO more. I was even going to smoke it ! The plan called two and a half days of abandon and I’d be back at the wheel of my life by Monday AM.

You know where this is going, right? Said week turned into a week, and the week turned into a month, and the month into the summer and the summer into the fall and well were about at winters end now, aren’t we?

So that’s Night !

And here I am.

Staring down the barrel of reality.

I never really called it a “relapse”.  I always hated the word. But one can only co-sign their own bullshit for so long before reality comes to sit with you during the long nights. And he’s been here for quite some time. We’ve become well acquainted!

There’s one thing stopping me.

I have a wall I have to go over when I stop. You see, the meth triggered a manic phase for me. I rather enjoy the immensely productive facet of mania. But it’s what comes after I fear the most. 60 Days on the nose. Like clockwork, a tidal wave of bone crushing depression awaits me. The crash far worse than any exhaustion or depletion that comes from using. No med adjustment on earth is going to stave this one off. It’s time to brace for rough waters ahead.

And I’m terrified!

Thankfully I happen to have an Ace that even Tina can’t trump. It’s something as built into my DNA as are my blue eyes. It’s that I refuse to give up. Ever. And under any circumstance. It’s simply not in my make up. If it takes stopping 50 times then I’ll extract myself from her claws 51. This is NOT and acceptable ending to my story.

So brace yourselves.  You’re about to journey into the belly of the beast with me. The crash will be hard and messy and soul bending. But my job now is to bend in the storms high winds but not break.

And I sincerely hope that those of  you that are reading this will share your stories in return. It’s is your victories AND moreover your struggles that will provide the light out of the darkness to guide my way.

So…..there you have it:

Installment 1 of “My Resurrection, Tale 10” 😏

Off to the task of rebuilding I go.

The timing of it all literally JUST hit me as I penned these last words. We’re about to celebrate the greatest of all resurrections. And suddenly, I can’t think of any better time to stop.

And with that…

Peace

I knew I’d hit a bump but not quite so soon

Did well today, kept my shit together, kept busy, got a lot of projects done

And them WHAM my emotional roller coaster took off about 7

7:09 I’m banging this shit again looking for emotional relief

Shit

Ok so I hit a bump

There’s always tomorrow

I did do ONE thing right

I backed the dose way down

And maybe that’s my path off

A little at a time

I don’t necessarily care HOW I get there

As long as I GET there

My body needs the rest

My psyche needs the rest

Not forever, but for a while

I don’t wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest

Or the girl who never wants to be alone

I don’t wanna be there calling 4 o’clock in the morning

Cause I’m the only one you know in the world that won’t be home

Ah, the sun is blinding

I stayed up again

Oh, I am finding

That that’s not the way I want my story to end

I’m safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party’s over?

No pain

Inside

You’re my protection

But how do I feel this good sober?

I don’t wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence

The quiet scares me ‘cause it screams the truth

Please don’t tell me that we had that conversation

Cause I won’t remember, save your breath, ’cause what’s the use?

Ah, the night is calling?

And it whispers to me softly come and play

But I, I am falling

And If I let myself go I’m the only one to blame

I’m safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party’s over?

No pain

Inside

You’re like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

Coming down, coming down, coming down

Spinning ’round, spinning ’round, spinning ’round

I’m looking for myself, sober

Coming down, coming down, coming down

Spinning ’round, spinning ’round, spinning ’round

Looking for myself, sober

When it’s good, then it’s good, it’s so good ’till it goes bad

‘Till you’re trying to find the you that you once had

I have heard myself cry, never again

Broken down in agony just tryin’ to find a friend

Oh,

Oh,

I’m safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party’s over?

No pain

Inside

You’re like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

I’m safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party’s over?

No pain

Inside

You’re like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: